Not the I-badly-want-to-see-you-now kind, just a subtle regret that you aren't present in my life any more and I somewhat wish you were.
I find that I can no longer recall your face in the details like I used to. For in those days I used to memorize every line on your face, your slightly lopsided smile with the perfect white teeth, the soft brown roots of your hair, and those eyes which colour I could never really tell. Your scent, strawberry cheesecake. How you reminded me of sunshine. The sound of your name rolling off my tongue. Five-thirty waiting for you in the foyer wishing you would walk by. How you could always take my breath away and leave me tongue-tied.
Despite all that, looking back I don't think I had truly loved you. I thought it was love back then, but somehow it wasn't. Or maybe it was, but I had gotten over it now and could no longer comprehend how I felt before.
You see, as unbelievable as it might sound now, there was this one time three lifetimes ago when "loving" you was my world. And despite the pain and the tears and the shoulda-coulda-woulda, I kinda miss the sentiments of that. There is a kind of bittersweetness that sounded almost romantic; destructive but beautiful.
Things change over time; I bet I did, and so do you. But just so you know, I still like your previous last name better. For that was the you that I knew and loved.
Wherever you are, I wish you are happy, just like I am happy. It took me a while, and many regretful choices in the interim, but I had once again found happiness in the form of love.
I miss you.
Not in an I-love-you way, just... in an I-miss-you way.
But as always, you'll never know.
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