Safe and sound

For her. For them.

Lord please have mercy. Bless me with Your grace that I would never have deserved. 

For her. 

The one who raised me and loved me like no one ever did. The one who holds me like I am her world. She is beautiful. And she gave me life. How could I ever repay life? 

Least I could do is to stay safe. Not to leave her till she leaves me.  

Spare her the heartbreak, the sorrow, the pain... all the horrible things that come with losing the one you love. I pray she would never have to go through that. I would gladly take them all if that would promise her happiness. I am the stronger one afterall.

Just as long as we could stay;

Safe and sound. 

Amen. 

Flashbacks

Because in all the days to come, I shall not forget that moment. It was as though we entered a time warp and time slows down. Tick tock, tick tock. 

Everything was in slow motion. 
Turning away because I couldn't watch you go. My tear-streaked face. Afternoon drizzle. Blurring vision. The helplessness. The anger. Happy faces that passed me by. The ones that could stay. I felt my insides boil, of bitter resentment. But most of all, fear. 

What would happen to us, then? 

People holding hands, big smiles. 
This will be a privilege that neither of us could have, given the circumstances. Since when has it come to this? 

I spent two years building this nest I might just start to call home. Settling down, adapting. Painstakingly. 
Then they took it all away from me. 

And you. They took you too. Along with everything good I once knew here. 
And now...

My mornings miss you,

My evenings seek you;

I want to hold your hands and walk a mile,

Don't wanna miss you, even a while...

Fear of the future is always worse than pain of the past. 

The one that got away

To the one that will never be mine,

My dear Fairlady, I bet you get this a lot, but I was enchanted since the first time I laid my eyes upon you. What's not to love; your sleek sporty exterior, the orange and gold gleam that reminds me of my favourite sunset, your powerful 3.5L (3500cc) engine that would surely bring me joy on the road, and your cleverly-placed door handles... oh, and your very reasonable price tag which is totally the icing on the cake.    

The Boy almost secured you from Melbourne for me. Imagine my excitement when I first heard the news. I even read up all about you; heart pounding in my chest at the prospect of meeting you for the first time. My perfect little dream car. I was even slightly worried that you might not like it in Burnie. Afterall, a rural village is no place for a stunner like you. But baby, I know for one that you'll surely love the five hour drive to Hobart on the weekends! 

I have loved you even before I met you. So you could imagine my disappointment when The Boy told me two days later that his friend in Melbourne got it all wrong, and that you are of manual transmission rather than automatic, as was described to us earlier. I was devastated. I know I should buck up and learn how to drive a manual car (again), but trust me darling, I have tried. I took The Boy's Peugeot for a spin that same afternoon, secretly wishing I would pick it up in no time and that you'll still be mine. But I sucked BIG TIME. Afterall, it had been months since I last driven, and never a manual car since obtaining my license. And when it comes to driving, I am not unlike a dancer with two left feet.  

I am so sorry for letting you go; know that I wanted more than anything to be your new owner. But I was not worthy, operating a clutch was so alien to me I would need at least months to familiarize myself with it, and I just don't have that time to learn before I hit the road with you. I could still go ahead but honestly we both know it would not do us both any good. And I will blame myself eternally if my lack of skills would much so scar your beauty. 

Maybe next time, my love. In the meantime, I guess I would have to settle for an automatic second best. 

So this is farewell, my golden goodness. I hope you'll be happier with your new owner (The Boy's friend, ahh that lucky bastard), and that he will treasure you as much as I would if you were ever mine. I pray that the concrete skyscrapers in Melbourne would compliment your beauty better than the vineyard and dirt roads down here, I hope that traffic jam will never find you, I hope you'll always find a parking spot wherever you go, and there'll be no drunkies hitting on your bonnet or dogs peeing on your wheels.  

You shall always be in my heart, oh the one that got away. =( 

   

With deepest regret,
Christine

Where am I now?

The Marion Amber looks like an exciting new move. Maybe I'll try it the next class. It does look awfully similar to the craddle-to-butterfly combo, which I still lack the arm strength to do (sigh). Maybe if I stayed on for another year, I could. I might even pull off the handsprings and the shoulder mounts! Ahh... but guess what, I'm not.

I'll miss my pole classes A LOT when I'm up in Burnie. And all the 365 days of new tricks that were to come. What shall sustain me, then?

Why is it that every time I find something great, it'll have to be taken away from me?

And why so, after all this while, I am ending up further and further away from where I intended to be?

What have I left, but Yours... 

A fellow introvert would understand

Human beings are herd animals. Or at least most are. The general viewpoint is that one's inability to function in a social setting is deemed a disability or an illness; for example, social phobia or agoraphobia.

I wonder why.

Because for one, I hate social events. But I am NOT gonna admit that just because of that, I have a mental illness. Of course, there's the DSM/ICD criteria for what accounts for a certain mental disorder, but I would like to think that it is sometimes just purely a matter of choice.

I would have digressed, but it really peeves me out when people confuse antisocial personality disorder with social phobia. As per my faithful wiki (which I know is not always a legit resource but pardon my lack of research effort for a rushed blog post), antisocial personality disorder is "characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. There may be an impoverished moral sense or conscience and a history of crime, legal problems, and impulsive and aggressive behavior." Both ICD and DSM includes psychopathy or sociopathy as part of said condition. 

This is vastly different from avoidant personality disorder (which is what most people actually mean when they say antisocial) - " a Cluster C personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook as afflicting persons when they display a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction. Individuals afflicted with the disorder tend to describe themselves as ill at ease, anxious, lonely, and generally feel unwanted and isolated from others." This condition constitutes generalized social phobia (which is considered the milder end of the spectrum); the entire spectrum sharing the same underlying personality of introversion. 

Okay back to where I was, I hate social events. Well maybe 'hate' is too strong a word to use, 'generally do not prefer' sounds like a better alternative. And by social events, I don't mean close family gatherings, or catch-up sessions with close friends etc; I mean those obligatory work dinners or cocktail parties or festive occasions (some birthday parties and graduation included too). Those where you don't know half of the people attending, where you will either be labelled a wallflower or a social butterfly; where you have to learn all the fleeting names of strangers that may or may not cross paths with you again, do the obligatory small talk about various insignificant things, eat modest amounts of dainty finger food even when you are so hungry you could eat a bull... All with a fake, sickly sweet smile plastered on your face throughout.

It is those functions that seriously drain me. Even the thought of them makes me feel exhausted.

Still, social functions seem inevitable at times, because as I said earlier, human beings are herd animals; we just love socialization.

I had the honor of being invited to one just last week, courtesy of the Boy. Much as I would prefer to lie in bed in my pajamas watching sappy TV shows and sipping on ice-cold coke, I knew he wanted to go and really wished that I could join him, so I said yes to being his plus-one. (also because I was curious what would my name card say - I was imagining something like Director of ECT's consort).

It ended up just being Christine. Yeah, I would've guessed.

In all fairness, it was an okay night though. People were friendly, and that helped a little, even though we barely knew anyone who attended. The turn-up was pretty good though, and people did seem to be having a great time. There were quite a few eye surgeons and anesthetists, some dental dept people and other unknown surgeons, some nurse managers as well as administrative people. It was kinda hard for me not to stick out like a sore thumb though, considering the fact that most of the people there were at least twice my age. I felt like that meek little medical student crashing a consultants' meeting all over again. Sigh.

But food was good so I was at least happy with a full tummy at the end of the night. =)

Now, graduation up next. shikesssssss! It's gonna be tedious. I just know.

In the meantime, let me recuperate.

City by the sea

Sorry for the temporary hiatus, I have been spending the past week in sunny Sydney (more beach time yay!), and it was AMAZING! The Boy and I went on the pretext of him attending a psychiatry conference, but hey, one does not simply go to the city by the sea just for a boring sit-down in an air conditioned room without soaking up the whole big city experience.. and of course, the beautiful beaches (have I told you already that I LOOOOVE beaches?).

Oh yes, Sydney is one of the Top 10 Beach Cities as per National Geographic, alongside Bacelona, Miami, Santa Monica etc. All of which are places I would really want to visit this lifetime (if work can be merciful, that is). Actually, I am not much of a travel junkie, really. Just the idea of beaches seems so irresistible.

And the food. The wide variety of food the big cities offer always drive me greedily yearning to try everything even when there actually aren't that many mealtimes in a day. Which was why every time I go on a vacation, I end up putting on weight because I'm eating up to 6 meals a day just to work through my bucket list of food-to-eat (cravings included).

Pictures to follow as I am a really lazy narrator (blame it on med school training - with all the medical abbreviations and point-form documentation, as well as the ISBAR presentation proforma).

complimentary jelly beans by the hotel! =) 

gawking at the luxurious sports cars parked outside four seasons hotel... I loveee the Lamborghini!

And the perks of living in Darling Harbour --- you get to have amazing scenery, day and night! Oh how I love the blue skies and blue sea! 

And also the ferry rides...

The always-picturesque Sydney Opera House. One of the most beautiful architecture I have seen. Definitely better than Menzies Clinical School, that is.

The Boy and I took the ferry to Manly. And the beautiful beach totally blew me away!

I could stay here forever...

Trying out our new fitbits

And the rest has to be food pics!

Mamak - who could resist roti telur bawang? 

Some Taiwanese beer, tasted just like fruit juice. Oh well.

Yummy but fattening pork cracklings at a Mexican place

Green tea and black sesame snow flake dessert. YUM!!!

And the BEST FOOD I had this trip has to be this --- 

'Home' Thai is this Thai restaurant located along Sussex St, and it is forever crowded! So we decided to try it out on our last night in Sydney, and it turned out to be the BEST Thai food we ever had! I regret not trying it out much earlier, but if that was the case, I am pretty sure we would be going back there for all the following nights and miss out on any other food... but it'll be totally worth it though. Oh yes, it is THAT good.

It was a short, but wonderful trip nevertheless. Strangely, these days I am finding myself gradually being won over by Sydney, mainly because of the oh-so-lovely beaches that unfortunately Melbourne lacks... but I don't think my skin agrees with the warmer weather, and decent city dwellings cost more than a million here, oh well.

But guess I'll be stuck in Burnie for the next year, so bye bye big-city life for now! I'll be back.

Meanwhile, find me amongst the meadows, a poor little damsel/intern in distress.. =P

To BE a doctor

Went to the East Coast yesterday with a bunch of youth friends, mainly to check out this really beautiful Christmas decor and craft shop in Triabunna. (You can check out their website HERE for more details)

It was a beautiful day, all warm and sunny, and I finally got to put on my tank top and shorts and hopefully synthesize some vitamin D along the way. The shop was gorgeous, with all kinds of beautiful handmade decor. I ADORE the music boxes, with all the beautiful details, moving figurines and the soft, tinkering music playing in the background. Some of them even light up and change colour. Something about watching the music boxes in motion made me feel much at peace. Too bad I couldn't get any of them, not when I am constantly on the move and am yet to have a permanent home here! Argh...


But I eventually got myself a little snow globe with a carousel pony in it. Look at the little beauty!

We went to check out the jetty afterwards, and then proceeded to check out Millingston Beach. It was actually an absolutely gorgeous beach with fine white sand and clear blue sea.. Ahh another one of the undiscovered beauties in Tassie!

You would think that on a beautiful day like this everything's sunshine and roses, but unfortunately life always has a way to remind you that bad things are just around the corner. On the way back, we turned a corner and drove into the scene of one horrible MVA. It happened just at a great bend in the road, between a hatchback and a pickup truck, possibly a head-on collision. It might have just happened not long before we arrived at the scene, and we could make out the outline of a man and a woman lying by the roadside, amongst the wreckage; as well as the driver of the pickup truck stuck in the smashed-in driver seat. Another car (two guys) had come to their aid and presumable the ambulance had been called. There was me and another final year med-student-turned-doctor in the car, and we looked at each other for a split second, wondering if we were in any position yet to offer some help, and then decided to bound off towards the trauma victims.

I went to check on the lady and my friend went to check on the man, who was pale and trying get off the ground, rather unsteadily. (Guy from other car was tending to the pick-up truck driver, who appeared to be GCS 15 and pretty stable). My lady was moaning in pain, and drifting in and out of consciousness. She was moving her neck fine but complained of back, chest and abdo pain. As I could not clear her C-spine and did not have any equipment, there wasn't much to be done apart from reassurance, keeping her talking and awake, as well as monitoring her vitals (which were pretty much stable, albeit some tachypnoea). We waited for approximately 20 minutes before the ambulances came. In the meantime some other cars stopped by to offer some aid; an asian nurse who had a first aid kit, a paramedic from NSW, and then the voluntary emergency service team from Triabunna consisting of two nurses and a paramedic student, as well as the local police. Talk about restoring faith in humanity! =)

What surprised me was that there was a helicopter sent to the scene too (it almost felt surreal looking up at the helicopter circling above us, it was just like in the movies)! Paramedics from the two ambulances came and took over from us after a brief handover. Apparently my lady was suspected to have a ?pneumothorax when they auscultated reduced breath sounds on her R lung. After some triage work, they decided to transport the lady via helicopter as she was of a higher CAT than the rest; whereas the man (her husband) was to be transported via one of the ambulance. At the same time, the emergency services people were busy extracting the driver from the pickup truck who would be transported to the hospital in the second ambulance.

My friend and I decided that our job is done and we haven't got much more to offer, hence we bade brief goodbyes to the teams and headed back to our car, where our other friends were waiting anxiously... silently thankful for our safe journey thus far and praying hard for a safe journey back home for everyone, as well as for the accident victims.

****************

It was indeed an experience like no other. I have seen plenty of MVAs over the years (some worst than this). But this was definitely the first one I had actually stopped to help out. In the past years I had not; as there were already plenty of people to help out at those scenes; and also as I wasn't anymore than a junior med student, I was not at all confident that I could offer anything much in terms of medical assistance. But now, I am a doctor (though yet to get my registrations) and I am bound by oath to save lives. Every little thing we do, might actually make a difference. It is a lot of new responsibility, to think of it. And boy am I nervous!

As we go through medical school, there is always this standard answer we give everyone who ask us why'd we want to be a doctor - to save lives! But I never truly knew the meaning/significance of that and what comes with it... until now.

And so every day from now, I pray that I could do my part better than I did before. To stand up to the challenges of the job; to take on the duties and responsibilities with greater courage and wisdom.  

To BE a doctor.

On a side note: I'd better get a first aid kit when I get my car. 

I still can't believe it!

Day 1 of being a doctor.

So I thought the interview yesterday went okay, and hence for the first time ever, wasn’t too nervous about the results. But still I sprang out of bed at 9am sharp this morning and lurched for my ipad, my heart pounding in my ears. AND YESSSSSSSSSSS I PASSED!!!

It was strange, the initial rush of ecstasy when my brain registered the words in that faithful email. And then the relief, whew finally!  Then the happiness that makes me wanna run and jump and dance around (which I did). And this biggggggg smile on my face that lasted for ages (before I decided that I might get instant wrinkles if I don’t cut it out soon).

After all of that, though, came the slight, sinking feeling inside me. So now what? I almost felt… empty. Like I suddenly felt at lost of what to do. Every single day in the past 5 years I have spent doing clinical placements and attending lectures, rushing assignments, worrying about exams and wondering if I would ever get through med school… and now that I am finally over all those hurdles, it felt like my life just STOPPED abruptly. And I am so used to being all tense. busy and overworked, this sudden abundance of leisure time (though for only two months) is something I really have to get used to.

Take for now, I am roaming the house in my underwear, eating junk food and lying in bed reading Harry Potter (again). Heh, some things never change. I am still fascinated by magic and though I do not believe in it one bit, it did cross my mind (more often than I am willing to admit) that I would give anything to be a student at Hogwarts. Silly silly.

Apart from the initial excitement and the strange niggling emptiness in the pit of my stomach, today felt just like any other day. After all the initial hoo-hah, I am still… me. Doctor me. But still undeniably ordinary me.

Not a bad thing I guess. I shouldn’t let anything change me, afterall.

Off to pole now (yay!). Laters!

Fear of the unknown

Two more sleeps to portfolio interview. Two more sleeps to finally becoming a doctor. Or not. The suspense is killing me.

This whole portfolio shebang has given me great grief over the past 2 years – multiple sleepless nights and now this dreadful sense of impending doom. And the truth is, I don’t find it particularly useful for my learning experience. I would learn much better without the constant niggle in my mind to save the UR number for every patient I come across.

If only I knew earlier that our long cases would eventually become the subject of questioning during the interview, I would not have written what I had – HIV (with complex therapeutics) and GBS (pertaining to end of life care issues). I am basically digging a grave for myself. Well, I guess what’s done is done. I just gotta read up on them all if I wanna see myself graduating.

I have to remember that Mirtazapine is an SNRI. For some reason, I kept thinking it is an SSRI. Gosh. And my neck’s hurting from reading on my computer all day.

Enough ranting. Back to work.

The Obligatory Introduction

Welcome to my blog. An honest disclaimer, I am yet to have a theme for my blog, if ever. So I guess for now it’ll just be about random stuff in my life (possibly multiple rants too); and probably nothing you’ll be much interested in. A short introduction to myself,  I am a final year medical student in my final days of medical school (AT LAST!), heading to a rural/regional hospital in Australia for my internship next year. I am passionate about psychiatry/mental health; but currently torn between pursuing psych/ED/GP as a specialty in future.

So if you are expecting one of those celebrity-bimbo-i-have-the-perfect-life blogs or fashion/food/shopping blogs or those offering make-up tutorials yadda yadda… you’ll be disappointed. This is just an ordinary blog of an ordinary girl living an ordinary (but I would have to say, likely horrendously busy) life – consisting of random daily happenings of a struggling junior doctor lowest in the medical hierarchy (mundane or not, you decide) with a higher likelihood of gross things being mentioned (think poop/pee amongst other body secretions).

There you go, life of a doctor; uncensored. Especially for those wondering if doctors have no life. To be honest, I couldn’t really tell you, for this is all the life I had ever known.

Maybe you could tell me instead.

Till then.